I believe there must have been some peace in the house on Sundays but I don’t remember a peaceful time. But as an adult I would often get sad and sullen. In retrospect, after talking with the Shaman, I missed something and I would dwell on the melancholy feelings and force myself to get emotional.

The Shaman had me think of what it was like to see my father relaxed in his chair watching the baseball game. He would ask me to get his slippers, a pack of cigarettes or a snack and I would joyfully run to get it.

I welled up and began to cry as the Shaman held my right hand and squeezed the web between my thumb and index finger. Then he asked me to take a deep breath and the blow it out. Next he asked if I still felt the same level of emotions I had before he had done it.

I couldn’t even force myself to fee emotional after that.

I was used to saying, “he made me feel . . .” or “she made me feel . . .” and in the 90s everyone was saying “No one can make you feel anything. It is your choice whether you feel or not.” So I had to reframe my reaction to what I felt when others would do or say something and I would get my feelings hurt.

The Shaman explained to me one day that American Indians saying “When you point your finger to blame someone, you have three fingers pointing back to you!”

You actually can’t make a “trigger finger” (pointing your index finger) without having your other three fingers fold into your hand and pointing right back to you, causing three times the blame as the one you’re pointing towards.


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