Resurfacing Accidents

We had gone to Oakland to meet up with a woman who we met the week before at the Women’s Expo in San Francisco. What was unusual about this meeting was how we met. I was standing in the middle of the pavilion among about a thousand other attendees and she walked right up to me and said “You’re why I came today!”

I looked at her and smiled and she said she had intended to attend on Saturday, but she had been guided to wait until Sunday. The fact that she walked right up to me was what was so unusual. Somehow she had a feeling she needed to meet me.

So we made the appointment, “to talk about an event we’re planning in January (Your1DayMBA) but once we started talking, and you know how we ladies can talk, I noticed there was a deformity around her right eye. She explained she had been attacked and her business had not been the same since.

The first thoughts that crossed my mind were “her power had been taken away from her when she was a child”. That was odd. But I’ve become very aware of those thoughts and I trust them to have a meaning that needs to be acted upon.

I asked if she was open to me doing some work with her. She’s an ordained minister and what I do isn’t always embraced by religion. But I had a sense of her strong spirituality.

She agreed and I showed her how to rub her fingers together and establish her yes and no. I had her hold her arm out straight and I asked in my thoughts to isolate what the event had been. It had occurred when she was 5 and it was her uncle. He had violated her.

She’s a very stoic woman and it was obvious there was a strong emotional pull from the event but she simply nodded in agreement. She remembered the event. She remembered how she felt.

The act of violence brought the original event to the surface and she began to feel as though she couldn’t protect herself. She became apprehensive in every decision she made. She was no longer comfortable or enthusiastic about marketing her business. But because of her strong spiritual foundation, she still functioned as though nothing had changed, at least on the surface. To those who know her well, they might not have even noticed a change in her. But it was there and she was fully aware of it.

We focused on getting the logical reaction: she was a child so how could she defend herself against an adult; she should have been able to trust her uncle; her parents should have protected her; she had done something wrong and was punished for it. There are many reactions for a child but most of them are hard to understand as a child. Even thinking back on them as adult, they have a tendency to appear the same as when they were a child.

Then we worked on the emotional reaction: the fear, anger, disappointment, helplessness, frustration and rage. Negative emotions hold us back. They keep us from being rational or making logical decisions.

It took about an hour to reverse what had happened when she was merely 5 years old. But the emotional reaction to being violated is not a memory of something that happened but it no longer has an emotional drag on her life. She will not be subjected to exposing herself to additional events that will reinforce her vulnerability and the sense of being out of control of her own life.

Misconception

A few years ago I was talking to a client who had become a fairly good friend when he told me about his upbringing. His father and brother were a part of a well known rock and roll band and his mother was somewhat of a groupie.

By the time he was 7 years old he was left to his own devices backstage during rehearsals and performances. He ate alone, played alone and rarely had interaction with other children even though he had two other brothers who were not much different in age of him.

By the time he was 9, when of the road crew had taken an interest in him and began to engage him in conversation on a regular basis. Because he was lonely, he gravitated to this attention like a thirsty man to water.

It didn’t take long before the inevitable happened. He was molested and it happened repeatedly. Because he was 9, he had no point of reference that it was bad, it just felt bad.

By the time he was a young man, trying to date your girls, he realized he felt ashamed of his past. He even got as far as becoming engaged, but broke it off when he realized he couldn’t commit the rest of his life to this woman.

It was about that time he realized and acknowledged first to himself, then his mother, he was gay. He truly believed at 40 years old when I met him, it was because of the molestation that he was gay.

It is a sad misconception of a lot of people and especially those who are gay. They feel that events or specific people were the catalyst of them becoming gay.

Stanford University released a study in 1993 that revealed that there would be no more gay people if they connected a specific strand of DNA. The Catholic Church instantly rebuked the study with the mandate that it would be interfering with God’s will.

How many years of persecution do individuals have to endure before we all realize, “There is no one on earth who has earned the right to judge another?”